Hello fellow bathroom warriors! While we all strive to have good poops, sometimes those are just not in the cards. Sometimes it’s a questionable diet, sometimes it’s a busy day, but the where aspect can play a huge part in your poop happiness. So here’s a list of 6 worst places to poop.

Ah, the music festival experience! The electrifying performances, the vibrant atmosphere, and the aromatic porta potties. It's the place where your need to go collides with your need to hold your breath. As you enter one of these colourful cabins of doom, you're welcomed by a medley of smells that could stun a buffalo. The floor resembles a swamp, and the toilet paper, well, it's more like sandpaper. Time seems to stand still, trying to ground yourself in this new reality you find yourself in. You find yourself questioning your life choices as you do your business in the loudest silence imaginable.

Ah, high school memories. The bell rings, and you have a mere five minutes to traverse the never-ending corridors and find relief in the school bathroom. Unfortunately, the bathroom door seems to be a portal to an alternate dimension, because it's always mysteriously jammed shut. When you finally gain entry, you're met with graffiti masterpieces and a symphony of flushless toilets. If you're a little late getting there after class, well, good luck even getting a stall.

You've been cruising down the highway, singing along to your favorite tunes, when suddenly, nature calls. The only refuge in sight is a gas station restroom that hasn't seen a mop since the dawn of time. The stalls feel like a game of Russian roulette: some have broken locks, some have missing toilet seats, and some... well, you don't want to know what some have. But desperate times call for desperate measures, so you hold your breath and pray for a quick escape from this biohazard zone.

Picture this: it's the peak of the night at your favourite watering hole. The dance floor is packed, the music is blasting, and the line for the bathroom is longer than the list of things you’d rather be doing. You finally make it to the throne, only to be serenaded by the sweet symphony of drunk people attempting to belt out the latest pop hit. Meanwhile, the bathroom itself looks like a crime scene from a horror movie – not a place for the faint of heart or weak stomachs.

Air travel can be an exciting adventure, but not when it comes to using the lavatory on a long-haul flight. Picture yourself contorting into a human origami just to fit inside the world's smallest bathroom cubicle. As you press that flush button, you pray that the vacuum of space doesn't accidentally swallow you whole. And the turbulence? Brace yourself and hang on tight!

Meeting the in-laws for the first time can be nerve-wracking, and the last thing you need is a bout of digestive distress. Yet, your body seems to have a wicked sense of humor. As you're welcomed into their home, your stomach churns like a washing machine stuck on a spin cycle. The guest bathroom seems to be miles away, and you contemplate sprinting for the nearest bushes outside. Somehow, you survive the ordeal, but now you're bonded with your in-laws in a way you never imagined – through the trials and tribulations of a bathroom emergency.

So there you have it, the "Top 6 Worst Places to Poop." Remember, life is full of surprises, and sometimes, those surprises come out at the most inconvenient times and in the most inconvenient places. But fear not, brave bathroom-goers, for these experiences will surely leave you with stories to tell and a healthy appreciation for a well-maintained restroom. Happy pooping!

bathroom-at-a-bar

There’s good poops, and there’s bad poops. Then there’s places and situations that one should never think about pooping in.

Top 6 Worst Places to Poop

In the summer of 2018 my friends and I loaded a canoe onto the top of my mom’s minivan, packed in enough nuts and freeze dried meals to get us through an Everest climb, and the spirit of adventure to drive us onward. 

We left at 5:00am and raced north to Algonquin Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada. A vast park filled with an abundance of lakes, old growth forest, and very little built bathroom infrastructure. 

Now, I have been camping many times before. However these camping spots always had some sort of bathroom building. Whether it was an actual building with a full multi person bathroom, or just an out house, there were always four walls surrounding you as “business” was conducted. Regardless of the four walls, these weren’t exactly beautiful thrones. Dimly lit, smelly, and seldom cleaned. Hardly ideal. 

The first poop spot on our trek was the off highway, in a fast food joint. After some early morning coffee and breakfast sandwiches, the stop was inevitable. Full of other travellers, early morning commuters, and night-shift workers on their way home, the place is humming with activity. So is the bathroom. 

We arrive in Algonquin Park, gather ourselves and our gear, and set off on the water. The clear, glistening lake water in the mid-morning sun melts away the memories of the bright white LED lights reflecting off of the pale off white toilet bowl of our highway pitstop. The smell of mothballs is also quickly shewed away by the fresh forest air. Paddles in hand and map at the ready we began our trek into the vast wilderness. 

The paddle to our desired lake was eventful. A short, yet powerful rainstorm that soaked our gear and almost blew our canoes into the bank. One of our group members fell in the lake trying to check out a potential site. Eventful? Yes. But that’s all a part of the experience, no? With a suitable site selected, our camp was quickly set up, firewood acquired, and food was being prepared. Now came arguably the most important discovery we now needed to make. The location of the infamous thunderbox. For those who may not know, the thunderbox is a wooden toilet box that is as simple as it gets. A box, over a pit, with a hole cut in it. A simple solution for pooping in woods. Once discovered it’s only a matter of time before I’ll venture to its sacred ground.

A bit after eating I get that feeling. That all too familiar and undeniable sensation that builds from within, slowly growing in strength and urgency. My thunderbox journey is quickly approaching. I’m nervous about the removal of the usual four walls of safety that accompany my normal bathroom trips, but unless I want to just sit with 4 days worth of freeze dried food and trail mix, I’m going to the thunderbox. I grab my roll of toilet paper, embrace the spirit of adventure, and set off away from the rest of the camp.

I settle onto my exposed wooden throne, and take in my surroundings. The freedom of being able to peer in all directions and be unobstructed by the built environment. The cool breeze brings smells of pine and cool lake air to my nose. My senses relax and my body rids itself of the anxiety and fear of the unfamiliar poop. Instead I feel a wave of calm and belonging that only comes when one gives themselves up to the untamed and beautiful nature that surrounds them. Doing my business among 300 year old White Pines that both make me feel insignificant, yet comforted. I feel the connection to the grand human experience. Sharing an act that will be done by every human that once was, is, and ever will be. 

There was never anything to sweat about (bugs and rain are unpleasant, but manageable issues), nothing to truly be scared of. I learned to stop worrying, and love pooping in the woods.

canoe-in-the-woods

Once you learn to accept that nature truly is the best bathroom, your connection to the planet and humanity grows exponentially

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pooping in the Woods

Imagine now, you’re outside in a park, enjoying the gentle breeze, the warm sun, and the manicured nature you stand in. Now entertain the thought of aliens coming down to earth, landing in that very park, leaving their spaceship they come up to you and begin asking about how humans live. 

They ask about how we survive, what we do for shelter, and what we do for fuel. Shelter is an easy answer, you say that we all live in houses, some of stone, some of wood. Then next you get onto fuel. You say that we humans eat food of various types, and most importantly you mention the life-giving substance known as water, good ole’ H2O. Now the alien, being of the inquisitive types of other worldly beings, asks what you do with spent fuel. And you reply of course with poop! You describe how we humans sit on our porcelain thrones and flush away our spent fuel to the depths of the sewer realm. 

Now the Alien gets really curious. The question comes up now of how everything is cleaned up afterwards. Now this catches you by surprise but you reply with “Well, we use toilet paper”.  The Alien quickly chimes in, “What is this ‘Toilet Paper’ made of?”. So you look around and spot a large pine tree. With its thick bark, commanding height, and copious boughs of fine green needles, a fine tree but the alien is a bit surprised. “You clean your sensitive spent fuel disposal areas with that!?” And you ponder that for a moment. “That is kinda crazy when you really think about it”.

So now the Alien comes in with a brilliant idea. Why not use that amazing, energising, life giving substance that you mentioned before for cleaning those sensitive body parts. Now that makes sense. It makes so much sense, you wonder why you’ve never thought of this before! And now you, my friend, have discovered the bidet.

The bidet is one of those personal discoveries that cannot be ignored. A change that you can never return from. The experience of the refreshing and subtle spray that so elegantly cleans, reimagines the entire bathroom experience. Instead of living a life that is controlled by brittle paper from a lifeless cardboard roll, you transition to one that is enhanced by the bidet. Water has guides and brings life to us as humans. We already use it to cleanse our hands and bodies when they are dirty. So why not those body areas that are even dirtier. 

While it may be scary at first, the bidet truly moves a person. Getting away from the endless task of wiping that only leaves pain and suffering in its wake. The bidet cleanses and leaves one feeling revitalised: like jumping into a lake on a warm summer's morning, awakening that deep connection to nature that every person has within.

The bidet is a step towards a brighter tomorrow, taking humanity to a future of less toilet paper and cleaner perineums.








bidet-story-header-image

The bidet is a step towards a brighter tomorrow, taking humanity to a future of less toilet paper and cleaner perineums.

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